Man's wandering eye in this era of promiscuity
There is an expression that says “if you want to hide something, put it in plain sight”. I have secretly been dealing with this situation in my 8 month relationship. The man I date is a “serial eye wanderer” as I like to call it.
I have read many articles about that unfortunate situation and most encourage opening the dialogue and addressing the situation with the person. I tried that approach and as I expected, the person denied entirely having that issue. To their credit, they showed a willingness to correct such behavior if it made me uncomfortable. I appreciated the willingness, but my problem is, how can one correct or adjust a behavior they do not recognize or acknowledge having? I gave him this illustration, in an attempt to make him understand my doubts about him succeeding at fixing this issue. I asked him :”If I told you there were dishes in the sink that needed washing, and you could not see the dishes I’m referring to, how could you then wash them?” Is it possible to correct a behavior we believe we do not have? Is the first step not being conscious of said behavior?
Some will ask: “Have you explained it to him properly? Given him examples?” To that I respond, yes I have and he denied remembering those events.
My first course of action was…
After our first conversation when I addressed a series of events during which I had noticed him blatantly staring at other women in my presence. I suggested that we take a break for a month. During that time he could consider himself single and look and date whomever he wanted with no need to report to me. He strongly refused to have that break saying he loved me and only me, he would never be able to betray me in that way (though I insisted I would not count that as betrayal since I was asking for it). All that to say he refused and begged that I don’t enforce that break, to trust that he loves only me and no one else. I decided to give him a chance and let it go and trust him, believing that a conversation like that would leave a mark in his brain discouraging that behavior.
Then what happened?
To provide context, we were in a long distance relationship for 8 months, I moved close to him and we are now on our 9th month. Also know that I’m a believer, in her late 30’s and I’m not looking to date for fun, but for commitment before Yah (God).
As we are now spending more time together, I’m assessing how an in person relationship is with that individual. Again, to give credit where it’s due, I had noticed some efforts towards being more subtle when seeing another beautiful woman or actively trying not to look, but as we were going to shop for my new apartment’s decor, the man fell back into his old habits. As we were parked and getting ready to get out of the car to enter the store, I saw him lean forward to look at a passing young lady's face. So much that I turned to look at what he was looking at. I obviously got pissed and exited the car not waiting for him and went into the store. He followed me and with a nervous look, started professing his love for me and acting lovingly. I could not pretend, him staring at that young girl that looked nothing like me, turned me off. I stayed calm but ignored his attentions, as they were not desired at that moment.
We then went to a different mall, and as we were shopping, I saw him often walk in the direction of other women, acting like he was looking at items near them. I would then simply walk away to spare myself the public shame of being with an uncontrolled 40some y/o man. What I noticed is that when I walked away from him in those moments, he became anxious and looked for me everywhere, as if he was suddenly scared of losing me.
Note that I am a very independent woman, I do enjoy time alone and am not scared to do things on my own, as I have been doing it for decades now. We then moved to an other store, he was looking for a specific item, so I left him and went somewhere else in the store to look at other things. That’s when he called me asking for where I was. I answered thinking he had already found what he was looking for, but to my surprise, he hadn’t. He just got worried about not seeing me anymore and started looking for me. I was very surprised at that behavior, and noticing my surprise, he apologised for being so clingy.
The entire rest of that evening he showed himself to be more vocal about his love for me and more demonstrative too. He also wanted me to reciprocate those feelings, in a need for reassurance. Despite all that, as we were exiting the mall, a young voluptuous lady, wearing a somewhat revealing attire passed by us, and again I saw him glance at her.
My question for you is the following; Can a man love you and still lust after other women? Is that genuine love? What would you do as a Yah (God) fearing women or men if this also happened to you?
My thoughts…
I am by no means the wisest woman on earth. I can only provide thoughts according to my observations and my situation. I also am not the most experienced lady out there when it comes to dating and relationships, so I did what everyone does, I Googled my problem multiple times. In doing so, I stumbled upon this Reddit topic : https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s9l1m7/im_not_sure_how_to_deal_with_my_fianc%C3%A9s_wandering/
One person provided an analysis that I had thought could be the issue in my relationship, but I had yet to see an article about this aspect of the wandering eye problem. I’m paraphrasing but the person said, openly lusting over other women in front of their partner could be a manipulation tactic, to make them insecure, feeling less then, in situations where the partner lusting is, himself, insecure. It resonated with me 100%.
The person I currently date is insecure in many ways, due to a past of (according to him) being in an abusive and unfaithful 16 year long relationship. I had asked him during our first conversation on this issue, if maybe he was acting that way out of insecurity, to seek validation in other women’s positive response to his stare. He answered he needed no one else’s approval but mine, that he was not seeking for other women to validate him as long as I approved of him.
Today, after that last outing, I believe that in his insecurity, he does want to make me feel insecure so that I don’t leave him. He often tells me how he feels lucky to be with me and that he questions himself as to why I even am with him. He believes I could be with anyone else capable of providing me more than he can give (his words, not mine). I do not believe this blatant wandering eye to be unconscious nor malicious behavior in its essence. I believe it comes from a place of hurt, though I do not excuse it nor intend on accepting it, for my mental health’s sake. I do believe love respects and is considerate of the other person's wellbeing.
According to 1 Corinthians 13:5, love “...does not insist on its own way”, “Love is patient and kind”. There is no kindness or selflessness in transferring our hurt or attempting to manipulate in diminishing one we say we love. I do question that man’s said love for me, but I also understand that humans are sinful and lust is a problem even amongst believers, remember David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11, or Solomon and his numerous concubines in 1 Kings 11, but the Bible does advise us to guard our hearts Proverbs 4:23.
My conclusion
All that being said, I do believe in a Father that gives His children what’s best, Matthew 7:11. I also believe marriage is an important commitment before Yah (God) and I do not take it lightly. Therefore, I will not enter a covenant I won’t sustain nor entertain a relationship that is not God given, Matthew 19:6.
At this very moment this is my plan of action, enter a month fast in February, address the situation at hand with the significant other and set my boundaries, establish my worth and stand by my word. Pray that Yah may provide clarity and that His hand shows on that issue I don’t see a solution to. I will cut all physical contact for that time and will ask my date to take the time to self reflect, pray and reevaluate his readiness to enter a committed relationship. At the end of that 28 days, we will see what Yah wants from and for us.
If you can relate to my situation, leave a comment!
Peace be unto you in the name of Yashua!
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