I have been in a dilemma for the past 6 months now. I am a firm and Christ loving devout Daughter of The Most high. I had lived my life up until now serving Him and loving Him with all that I have.
Then Elohim allowed for this man to enter my life. A man that loved me and would seemingly sacrifice all things for me. A man that would place his body in harm's way to protect me. A man that told me things no one else had ever told me. A man that cried over the fear of losing me. A man that laid his heart at my feet and trusted me with it. A man ready to abandon all things at my request. A man that LOVED me.
I had never known, seen or heard of such love. But that man was not a servant of Elohim, not a God fearing man. He was willing to make efforts to read the Bible, to observe the Sabbath with me, to raise our future children as God’s soldiers, but he himself did not believe. Then arose the question, is he the one for me ?
Everything around me told me to end it. The Almighty has been talking to me through all media you could possibly imagine, but my heart was hardened. My flesh was weak, I was Israel. I wanted what I wanted.
But the Holy Spirit loves me and all my years of praying to God “Yah, never let me out of Your sight” were fulfilled at this very moment. He refused to let me go despite my stubbornness. I was convicted, everywhere I looked, I heard Him. Everyone that spoke, spoke words of conviction to my heart. God refused to let me go, and I love Him infinitely for that.
Though I knew what to do, my heart was weak, I wasn’t physically capable to reject that loving man. I tried and folded multiple times. So I prayed that if that be Your will, Abba Father, give me the strength to act as You please, from mine own strength this is impossible. I am no Abraham, I don’t have the will You require of me to act as You please. Help me!
I asked for a 30 day fast, away from that man, out of love for me he accepted. The first two weeks were hard, that’s when I realized I had made an idol out of that relationship. Yah in His Glory and Goodness freed me from it. Then came the third week. Day 17 was the hardest day...I can’t explain why. I prayed that day that Yah helps me and brings me peace that only He can provide. I woke up on day 18, like a brand new person. I was at peace with the distance, I was no longer missing him the way I did before. I was at peace. Then came day 21, Shabbat day! That Saturday I woke up at 5:58 am and wrote to that man.
I told him in the letter I wrote that Elohim was my everything, I told him that my beliefs meant everything to me, I told him that I wanted no affiliation with someone ashamed of embracing the love of God. I told him that I would always choose God first, because He always chose me first. I told him that I now had the strength to let him go in the name of God. I told him I was willing to sacrifice our love for God. I invited him, that he may join us, but only if he joined freely and with full understanding of what that meant, and I promised him that it would be a hard path to follow. Yahshua said He came for the lost not the righteous, that heaven would rejoice at one lost sheep finding his way back home and repenting. I stand by that and pray The God of miracles for that man, whether it be with me or later with someone else.
I am writing this on day 21, so we’re still fasting with that man. Therefore he still doesn’t know the decision I made. I also don’t know what decision he’ll make. But one thing I’m certain of is that The God of Israel, The God of Moses and David, always works for my good. I rejoice in this situation, which I never thought I would, I saw a future with that man. But today I’m at peace by the grace of God, and I’m willing to let it all go and trust and rest in the arms of The Almighty.
Let His will and His will alone be accomplished in my life.
Shabbat Shalom, pray for me and for all of us sinners.
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